


Can't Find the Damn Words

by vanilladingdongdie



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Ava confessing and being a MESS, Avatrice, Bea confessing and also being a mess but soft, Camilil on the side, F/F, I'm also a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25325725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanilladingdongdie/pseuds/vanilladingdongdie
Summary: Ava just wants to find the words to tell Beatrice how she feels.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 34
Kudos: 521





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is, man. I had no clue what I was going to write and it ended up with this. I'm sorry.

“Seriously! Again?! Pull yourself together!” Mary snapped at Ava as the younger girl suddenly tripped over nothing and fell onto the ground while they were doing long ranged weapons training. Normally Camila would be assisting, but she was off helping their other sisters somewhere. Which meant Mary had to deal with the Halo Bearer all on her own.

“I’m sorry! I don’t even know what happened!” Ava reasoned out as she lets out a huff before getting back up onto her feet and glancing over to where Beatrice has walked by. Really, no one could blame Ava for letting her eyes follow Beatrice until she disappeared from sight. To be around Beatrice was to admire her.

Mary shakes her head as she loads up the pistols with ammo, clearly not missing the longing look in Ava’s gaze. “Girl, you need a new hobby.” She tells the younger girl before Ava pulls her gaze away from the door that Beatrice went through.

“Excuse you but I _do_ have a hobby.” Ava says with a confident nod; making Mary roll her eyes.

“Sorry to inform you but staring at Beatrice all day doesn’t count as a hobby.”

Ava shoots her a glare before smirking. “Fine. You’re right. Because it’s very much a profession and I damn well excel in it.” She says before dusting herself off. Mary just lets out a breathy chuckle at Ava’s words. “You’ve got it bad, huh?”

Oh, truer words have never been spoken. Ava was a confident girl. Sure, she could be an idiot sometimes. And a _messy_ idiot at that but somehow she can’t bring herself to go up to Beatrice and confess that she’s been crushing on her _hard_.

And it wasn’t like Ava hadn’t tried at all. Out of everyone in her circle, she spent the most time with Beatrice. At first it was only training, maybe a few lessons on different things here in there, and then gradually it just turned into something more. Something that Ava craved every single day but she knew she couldn’t just push Beatrice into that. After all, Bea was still a nun who took her vows. Despite all their lingering touches and staring and almost kisses.

God, Ava has lost count of how many times she and Beatrice had the opportunity to kiss.

But somehow she just couldn’t do it and it bothered her to no ends because damn it, she just wanted Beatrice’s lips on hers and she wanted to spoon and cuddle and she wanted to go on dates, and hold her hand as they stroll through the streets and the beach and _everywhere_.

“Hey!” Mary clapped her hands in front of Ava’s face, snapping the younger girl out of her thoughts. “Sorry, sorry.” She mumbles, not even noticing that she got lost in her own thoughts again. It seriously wasn’t fair that God made her His chosen one but also made her a queer mess. A queer mess who fell for a _nun_ , nonetheless! Who does that??

“Get your head out of the clouds and pick up that gun. We aren’t done yet.” Mary instructs as she points to the loaded pistol on the table before gesturing to the targets at the other side of the field. “I’m not going to sugar coat it. Your aim is defined as _breaking-the-laws-of-physics_ terrible.”

Ava crinkles her nose before crossing her arms and looking at Mary. “You know I don’t know who’s a worse teacher. You or Lilith. At least Lilith lets me take breaks now whenever Beatrice walks by.” She says and Mary just aims a shotgun at her. “Pick up the gun and start practicing or else I’m going to give that Halo of yours something to heal for the rest of the night.”

For a second, Ava was going to do it. But then her eyes caught a glance of Beatrice from one of the windows. She spared a second to glance at Mary before taking off running all over the place in case Mary started shooting.

“You little bitch! Come back here! What are you doing?!” Mary shouted before pulling the trigger and shooting the ground by Ava’s feet as she was running away.

Ava in turn just kept going and hoped for the best that she wouldn’t get shot. “I have no idea what I’m doing but you can’t stop me!!” Ava yelled over her shoulder as a response before ducking inside and running God knows where just to avoid more lessons with Mary.

Unbeknown to her, Ava’s legs were taking her straight to Beatrice’s room. But come on, was it really surprising at this point? Ava was basically obsessed with the badass Sister Warrior. Once Ava reaches the outside of Beatrice’s door, she could only pound her fists twice again the hard wood before turning the doorknob and letting herself in.

Beatrice would never show it, but she got startled a bit when Ava suddenly burst through the door like a madwoman. Panting and locking the door behind her. “Ava? What are you—“ She stops before she could finish her question since Ava just blurted out for her to shut up.

“No–sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. You can talk but just–wait. Listen. Hold on.” Ava manager to get out as her lungs tried to regain much needed oxygen, a finger up at Beatrice to keep the other girl from speaking. Finally, after about a minute of deep breathing, Ava was finally able to talk properly and look at at Beatrice.

“I don’t know what happened, alright? I don’t know what you did to me, or when it happened. I just know the reason!” Ava all but exclaimed, which just confused Beatrice even more. “What? Ava, what are you on about?” She asks as she set aside the book that she was reading down so she can rise up to her feet.

Ava just lets out a breath because now that she was more calm and had more time to think, all the idiot thoughts and nervousness just creeped up to her again. “I don’t even know! That’s what I’m trying to say!” She tells Beatrice as she starts pacing back and forth across the room. She had to release her nervous energy somehow if she was actually doing what she was trying to do.

“Look, Bea, you did something to me. Or maybe something else did something to me. But all I know is that one day I was basically just an elk on the plain, peacefully grazing and living my best elk life when _suddenly—_ “ Ava stressed before cursing under her breath. “When suddenly fucking _cupid_ or I don’t know! Camila probably!! Decided to just pack a damn compound bow and then shot a fucking love arrow right into my heart!! And fuck!!” Ava curses, clearly a bit lost on what to say that she was basically just spewing none sense at that point.

And Beatrice, well, she didn’t really know what was happening for once in her life. Usually she caught on pretty quickly but this time she had no clue. And that just made Ava even more frustrated because how could Beatrice be so oblivious!!!

“Ava! Ava, calm down.” Beatrice eventually says in that damn calming and loving tone of hers and fuck, it just made Ava want to melt. She looks up at Beatrice when she takes Ava’s hands in hers, squeezing them reassuringly before lifting a hand up so it could cup Ava’s cheek to get her eyes on Beatrice’s.

“That’s it. Just breathe, calm down for a moment. You’re not trying to catch anything, nothing is getting away from you.” She tells Ava and Ava fought every urge to tell her that _Beatrice_ was the one she was trying to catch. And the confidence of doing so was definitely getting away from her because the more she looked at Beatrice, the dumber her brain got because how can a person look so beautiful and perfect and her _lips_ just look _so kissable—_

“Oh, fuck it.” Ava mutters and Beatrice barely had time to register that in her brain before Ava captured her lips with her own. Beatrice’s muffled gasp could barely be heard between them, and the situation honestly was not registering in her head. Before she even knew it, Ava had pulled away with wide eyes. She scrambled to move a few feet away, not knowing what to do now that she’s really gone and done it.

“Bea–I’m so sorry. Oh my God, I’m so sorry I don’t know what came over me. I just—I can never put into words how much you mean to me. You know? And how much of an impact you’ve had in my life in the time that we’ve known each other and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. But all I want to do is remind you everyday of that and of how much you mean to me and damn it, Beatrice! I’m in love with you! Why can’t you see that!” Ava’s words and thoughts just spilled out quickly, basically like if a damn burst and all the water just came rushing out.

Meanwhile Beatrice could only really stare, not knowing how to find the words. Which for everyone around, knew was nearly impossible. And yet, here it was. Beatrice was finally speechless at everything that happened in the last five minutes. And all Ava could do was watch.


	2. Found Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they finally found the words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Here’s the continuation to Can’t Find the Damn Words. I was seriously debating whether or not to post this cause I said I was only gonna do oneshots. This is basically a mess in perspectives though so yeah.

Beatrice would be lying if she says that she doesn’t feel a certain way for Ava. Not that she would ever say it out loud or admit it to anyone ever. I mean, who does she think she is? She had no right to feel that way. That’s been made clear for her for an extensive amount of time. She wasn’t about to go and destroy all the resistance she’s built up. She couldn’t risk it.

But, that didn’t mean that she couldn’t be a little selfish.

She didn’t notice it at first, but as time went on she found herself constantly trying to do everything she can that may give her a little bit more time with Ava. Be it training her, or giving her lessons, or even just accompanying her anywhere that Ava desired.

She realized that it was selfish of her to do that. She didn’t deserve the companionship, the warmth, or the smiles and laughter that Ava brought. She knew that people only kept her around because she was useful in some way. She had value that they needed. If not, surely they’d just discard her like the other reject nuns. She wasn’t going to risk alienating herself and she wasn’t going to risk losing Ava even if it meant that they could never be more than just friends.

She sighs dismissively before trying to focus on the book in front of her. She just had to distract herself. Bury herself in whatever she could instead of daydreaming whatever scenario that will never happen. She could definitely stop thinking about Ava if she wanted to. It wasn’t a big deal. She was taught over and over again not to think about girls in _that_ way so why should this be any different?

“How long do you think before she notices?” Camila whispers to Lilith as they keep their eyes on Beatrice. On the outside, it looked like she was as usual reading up on various books that she could get her hands on. But to Camila and Lilith, it was clear as day that Beatrice wasn’t focused on anything other than her thoughts.

Lilith glances to the girl beside her before shaking her head the slightest bit. “Unless Ava actually says the words to her with a megaphone, I don’t think Sister Beatrice will ever catch on. And even then, we could never be too sure. Ava is already making an even bigger lovestruck fool out of herself around Beatrice every single day. The fact that she still doesn’t know just proves that she’s oblivious.”

Camila huffs before pouting slightly as she watches her sister gather up all the books before leaving the room they were in. “Oh, I do hope she just accepts it and gives herself the happiness that she clearly deserves. She looks happier, doesn’t she? Ever since Ava came along?” She looks up at Lilith, who just smiles at her before giving a nod.

“Yes, she does. But we cannot intervene. Not for now, anyway. If they continue like that, we can have Mary lock them in the honeymoon suite on our next mission. Say that there are no more rooms available. That’s bound to get them somewhere.” She says before Camila smiles brightly, nodding eagerly with the plan. She was just about to respond too, when Ava suddenly ran in from one door to another.

A delighted gasp escaped Camila before holding onto Lilith’s arm. “It might be happening now!” Her quiet voice betrayed by the excitement she carried. Lilith could only smile before leaning down and pressing her lips to Camila’s temple. She couldn’t help it, she found the girl adorable. It was an innocent gesture and no one could tell her otherwise.

“Come, let’s go find Mary. Normally I’d disapprove of gossiping but seeing as she and Ava were together for training, she might know a little more something about what Ava is doing.” She says before gesturing for Camila to follow her.

—

Meanwhile, Beatrice just makes her way to her room so she could be alone with her thoughts. She knew Ava was at training, and even though she wanted to be the one training her she knew that she couldn’t risk the others noticing how she was always the one to volunteer with Ava work. So for the meantime, she just settled for passing by where Ava was doing target practice.

She tried her hardest not to notice Ava’s gaze following after her. Because that was just a coincidence, right? Maybe Ava just wanted to say hi to her because they hadn’t spent that much time together today. She wanted it to be something else, but they were _friends_. Just that. And as disappointing as it was, that was all they were ever going to be. Ava constantly smiling at her, and trying to touch her, and saying nice and sweet things were normal for friends. It was definitely only in her head that Ava would ever give someone like her a chance at a relationship.

She lets out a loud sigh of annoyance when she realizes that she’s been on the same page on her book for about fifteen minutes now. ‘ _Stop thinking about her, you dolt._ _She’s never going to like someone like you, and you could never tell her how you feel. You’re useless. Insignificant. Disgusting_.’ Her inner voice keeps telling her. Some words harsher than others. Which she was used to, since she’s heard much worse coming from other people.

So when Ava burst into her room a few minutes later and started spewing out her feelings and thoughts, she could only stare and try to calm her down enough for her to make sense. Something about Camila and shooting down an elk with a bow? Or was it Camila that shot Ava? So why was there an elk if it were the latter?

She barely had time to rationalize it or even form a sentence because Ava’s eyes were on her and suddenly it wasn’t her eyes on her anymore. It was her _lips_. Beatrice brain suddenly stopped functioning, and everything went blurry around her. Was she even standing? But before she could even mentally scream at herself to get it together, Ava has already pulled away. She started apologizing and Beatrice wanted to stop her. Wanted her lips to be back where they were just a moment ago. But she couldn’t find the words or even react to anything and dang it what was wrong with her? She was about to seriously slap herself or even pinch or do anything physical contact because she didn’t like feeling like this.

That was until Ava says that she’s in love with her. And again, all coherent thoughts have left her brain and she physically stopped functioning for the meantime. The only thing she could feel was the tingling sensation on her lips and the fireworks that basically replaced her heart. She was pretty sure pterodactyls have moved into her stomach too.

Ava eventually stops rambling as she buries her face in her hands before letting out a breath and giving a nod. “Right. Okay. Just–just ignore everything I said, Bea. The last thing I wanted was to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry.” Her voice wavered slightly as she apologized before walking past Beatrice so she could leave.

It was only instinct that finally agreed with her when she caught Ava’s hand in her own. “Please, don’t leave. I’m sorry–I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t think, I can’t–I don’t know what to say. I apologise but please don’t leave me yet.” She manages to get out, her gaze dropped to the floor as if her shoes were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world to look at.

She only felt the soft squeeze of Ava’s hand before she was being pulled over to her bed. She took her place and Ava settled right beside her, her grip not letting go of their hands as Beatrice stared at her laugh. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, and she wanted to feel all the good things that Ava made her feel but right now her mind was a bit preoccupied with the growing voices that were telling her she didn’t deserve this. That she didn’t deserve what Ava confessed. She didn’t deserve that love and it was selfish of her to take it.

“Bea...” Ava whispers, her other hand reaching up to Beatrice’s cheek, gently getting her to look away from her lap before locking eyes with her. Ava wasn’t so frantic anymore all of a sudden, maybe sensing that the situation didn’t call for it. “It’s okay. Take your time. Say what you want to say. I’ll wait.” She says softly, and honestly that was enough for tears to start building up in Beatrice’s eyes.

She sniffs before closing her eyes for a moment, not even bothering to stop the rogue tears from escaping and slipping down her cheeks.

“I don’t know why.” She says after some thinking. “I don’t know why you feel like that, Ava. I don’t. Because I don’t deserve it.” Her voice cracks and it took everything in Ava not to just pull her in and hold her for however long necessary to make Beatrice feel better.

“Where is that coming from? Bea—“ She was cut off by Beatrice shaking her head.

“No, please. I just need you to listen for now.” She cuts off and Ava understood. She did her talking, now it was Bea’s turn. She nodded for her to go on and Beatrice took a few deep breaths before continuing.

“As much as I want to believe what you’ve said, I can’t accept it.” Beatrice says softly, keeping her eyes away from Ava. Had she been looking, she would’ve seen the flash of pain come across Ava’s eyes before being replaced by sadness. As much as she wanted to argue against Beatrice, she knew she had to stay put and listen.

“It’s not because I don’t like you or anything like that. It’s quite the opposite. I’ve quickly become infatuated with you. And your obnoxious charm. I never stood a chance.” Beatrice breathes out a small laugh before sniffling, failing to lighten the situation. “I’m just afraid, is all.”

Ava in turn, furrowed her eyebrows. “How can you be afraid, Bea? Is it because you think the other sisters will shun you away? Because I can tell you right now, they won’t. I mean they already know that I’ve been pining for you for who know how long at this point and—“

“I’m afraid of admitting that I’ve fallen in love with you.” Beatrice cuts off and Ava immediately lost all thoughts going through her brain.

_‘Dude, dude. She loves you back. She loves you back! Say something, fuckwad! Stop gawking!’_ Ava mentally screams at herself, although suddenly the talk function on her mouth wasn’t working and if it weren’t for the fact that she was holding Beatrice’s hands, she would’ve slapped herself silly.

Beatrice breathes out slowly before managing to glance at Ava. “I couldn’t admit because I don’t want to push you away. To ruin anything that we have between us. Because once I do that, once I admit that I’m in love with you and say it out loud, there’s no more turning back. I’m going to love you in this life and the next and whatever comes after that.”

Finally, Ava was able to find her words again. “Okay so what’s bad about that? This is me admitting it too, Bea. You don’t have to worry about anything, I feel the same way.” She says but the other girl only shakes her head and gives her a small sad smile.

“You don’t know what you’re doing, Ava. You shouldn’t fall for someone as inadequate as me. I could never give you what you deserve. I always fall behind from expectation. You deserve nothing but the best, and that is not me. No matter how much I want to be. No matter how much I’ll try, your love is never going to be something that I deserve.” Beatrice says and Ava could only groan. Which was something Beatrice was not expecting, given the scrunched up eyebrows and look of confusion on her face.

“Gosh, if I wasn’t so in love with you right now I would totally slap you into making sense.” Ava mumbled before taking her hands out of Beatrice’s and instead reaches up to cup the other girl’s cheeks. She just wanted to make sure that Beatrice was looking right at her, needing her attention before she got frustrated with all the berating.

“I was gonna let you talk until you’re finished but I’m going to cut you off now because I can’t believe how incredibly wrong you are about yourself.” Ava says before leaning closer and kissing Beatrice’s forehead. She can’t help it. She was right there and Ava had wanted to do that for forever now. “I know what you’re thinking is coming from a very dark space in your mind, and heart, and wherever it is that you store it but Bea, you could not be more wrong.”

“I fell in love because you’re kind, and compassionate, and yes you tell the truth even if it hurts but I love that too. And I fell in love with your words, and your passion and drive to make this world a little better for everyone else. I fell in love with your voice, sweet and calm and gentle as it is, even though sometimes that voice is super annoyed with me. And I fell in love with your eyes and how whenever I look at them, all I can see is the sun meeting the Earth and suddenly everything is right in this world. Which now that I realize are because they’re always looking at me. My fault for not noticing that, sorry.” She says, clearing her throat a bit when she realizes that she’s starting to ramble again.

Of course, Beatrice was still processing every single world. But that didn’t mean that she wasn’t drinking in all the love that she felt from Ava at that very moment. She can’t believe that it wasn’t clearer to her before. She wanted to say something but she didn’t exactly know what just yet so she was grateful that Ava kept talking.

“I fell in love with you because you’re _you_ , Bea. And this is going to sound incredibly cheesy but it’s just the truth. You don’t have to be this perfect person who can do no wrongs to deserve love. You’re already perfect in my eyes. If you ask me the only fault you have is being so oblivious.” Ava cracks a teasing smile and Beatrice can’t help but shake her head, feeling her own smile tugging at her lips.

“I guess part of me did notice how differently you started to act around me. Part of me already knew, but I tried to deny it. Not because of you, but my own personal issues. I’m sorry.” Beatrice says and Ava shakes her head as she drops her hands down to squeeze Beatrice’s hand.

“You don’t have to apologize for that. We can work on that together. Or you can work on it on your own, if you prefer that. But just know that I’ll be right beside you, supporting you in any way I possibly can. I can’t promise that I’ll be a hundred percent serious all the time because I have to do something in order to see your smile, but other than that you can count on me to be there.” Ava says with a confident nod before smiling softly.

“You’re my home now, Bea. I can’t lose that. This is the one thing that I’ll never run away from. You’re giving me a purpose to stay and be a better person. I know I’m not religious, but remind me to thank God for giving me the biggest blessing he had. You.” She says and that’s what breaks Beatrice out of her non-functioning state that she never wants to happen again.

Once her brain had started working properly and all thoughts have become coherent again, she immediately throws her arms around Ava and buries her face in the crook of the mildly surprised girl. “Oh. Well, I’m not hating this at all.” Ava says, the smile clear in her voice as she hugs Beatrice back as tightly as she could without it being uncomfortable.

She feels Beatrice laugh the slightest bit before pulling away and smiling at her through tearful eyes. “Thank you.” She whispers and Ava could only smile. “You know I honestly feel kind of bad for you. What with being stuck with me and all. Because there’s no way you’re getting rid of me now. I’m here to annoy you for the rest of your life and you’re just gonna have to deal with that.”

Beatrice can’t help but roll her eyes as she reaches up to wipe the stray tears away. Yes, she had a lot to work on in terms of her own struggles and thoughts. But knowing that someone would be beside her through it all– someone who would stay beside her for support and love her unconditionally–made it a lot less harder than it originally was.

“I can live with that.” She says before Ava grins and leans over to close the gap between them–this time being greeted happily by Beatrice kissing back.

—

“Do you think they know that the door is open?” Camila questions quietly as she, Lilith, and Mary watch the two from the doorway of Beatrice’s room.

Mary just sighs and shakes her head. “I highly doubt that they’d be thinking about that right now. They’ve finally realized that they’re in love with each other. I’m sure that right now for them, it’s the sweetest gift they could get.”

Camila looks up at Lilith with a bright smile, making the taller girl look away in order not to let the redness that was slowly creeping up her cheeks show. “Well, I do know the feeling.” She mumbles quietly before a soft thud was heard from the room.

They turn and see Beatrice on her back, Ava just freely straddling her as they went to town on each other’s lips. Camila gasps softly and Lilith immediately reached up to cover the younger girl’s eyes.

“Okay, that’s our queue to leave. Go, go.” Mary says as she hurriedly closes the door while Lilith leads Camila away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's rushed and I'm sorry!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I feel a bit bad for ending it there. But honestly I’m sleepy and I haven’t even had time to proofread this lmao. I’m just copy pasting from my notes before posting and hoping for the best.
> 
> Anyway, let me know if you guys want a continuation for Bea’s part in all of this. Or if you just want me to pick up where I left off. If you don’t either then it’s fine lmao I’m still gonna do shitfics and posting them here so you guys can suffer with me. Bye bye!


End file.
